If I could go back in time and tell my 14-year-old self what she has become, I would have made her so proud.
I'm no longer the person I used to be. Little Morgane was losing faith in people as she grew up. How could she trust somebody when all everybody did was betray her? I cried myself to sleep every single night. I let the bad stuff take over my life. I let the thoughts of killing myself haunt me every time I crossed a street. Every time I was taking medicine. Every time I had a knife in my hand. It wasn't pleasant to hang out with me or to be a family member of mine at that time. I was living in the past, regretting not being a part of it anymore. I blamed my problems on the world. I thought I was better than these people because all they did was smile and be happy. How could they? I knew what life was like, I knew my breath wasn't worth taking. The crisis, the people getting worse and worse, the hypocrites, my so-called friends. Everything let me believe that I had a perfect right to be a pessimist who never smiled. Boys broke my heart. Friends broke my heart. I broke a lot of hearts too. It was all because of life. And then, I struggled to cope with it. I wanted to be anyone but myself. How stupid.
I will never thank music enough for letting me become who I am today. Music was the reason why I got sick of people around me. It is now the reason why I am glad to be alive. Sure, we all have our problems and it sucks, but I never forget that someone somewhere is going through much more pain than I am. I try to focus on the good things in my life. Instead of wishing I lived in the past, I am thankful for having that kind of memories to remember. That, I wouldn't trade for the world. This is my life that goes through my head so many times at night and it's that life that I've had the chance to live. I know suicide is useless because I am positive that there are going to be so many moments I sure as hell don't want to miss.
It bums me out so much that I cannot help people who are like I used to be. People can't be convinced by words. That speech is useless to everyone but me. Letting yourself be happy isn't an easy thing to do. I think it has taken me around ten years to figure out where to find it. It wasn't that far away. Everyone is happy. Being home with your family, hanging out with your friends, learning something new, eating, getting to hug someone, hearing somebody call your name, that's happiness! It is there, every day. It's not easy to see because there are so many problems which come along. But if darkness didn't exist, would we be able to see the light? I am thankful for the bad times because they make the good times so much more enjoyable and worth the pain.
