You've taken so much with you but left the worst with me.

My grandfather was the greatest person on earth. He was the only man who brought me flowers for no particular reason. He took care of me when I was sick. He was always smiling, singing and he always made everybody laugh. Everybody loved him because there was no reason to hate such a great man. He took care of his family and the persons he loved. He wasn't fake, he didn't hate anybody because of their opinion or their way of living. He truly was an example to follow.
See the video I chose there? The singer of this band lost his brother when he was young because the latter drank himself to death. The song he is singing? It is dedicated to him. When you see him act like this, you wouldn't say that he seems sad. That brings me to my point. On September 16th, 2007 my grandfather passed away because of a lung cancer. When I was told that, I didn't say anything. Nothing really happened. It seemed as though my dad told me he had just eaten an apple. Same effect: none. What I was feeling inside? I don't quite remember, but I know I felt guilty. Why wasn't I crying? One of the persons I have loved the most came to die and I was litteraly like a rock. Tears were nowhere to be found. So, I forced myself to cry and that worked a little. I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. One, two, three weeks after his death, my reaction when somebody talked about him was the same as the singer's in the video. I was laughing, telling everybody that I was alright, it seemed as though I didn't even care. I felt heartless. I don't say that my situation is the same as the singer's but while watching this video I found some similarities. I guess that I've been able to hide my feelings for so long that I couldn't show my tears to my family. I just couldn't. I did cry, yeah, I did feel sad but nobody knew it. I was always Morgane, "the geek who only lives for her laptop and her iPod and doesn't even care about her family". That was on the outside yeah. I sometimes cried while listening to Christina Aguilera's Hurt but I didn't see myself explain to my family that, months after his death, I was still crying, I was still sad and really hurt. It just didn't make sense. Every year, on September 16th, my mum was like "Hey, we're going to the graveyard because grandpa died on September 16th". She always said that to remind me that everybody saw me as "the bitch who doesn't care and doesn't even know the day when her grandfather died". And I understand, I would have taken me for a "bitch who doesn't care" as well if I weren't me. This year, my French teacher told us something that really hit me. It was something that went like "There are some persons who are so hurt on the inside that nothing is shown on the outside. I know it's hard to believe, but some people can't stand the pain and nobody even knows it. Does anybody know someone like that?" At that moment, I was about to burst into tears. Yes, I knew someone like that. I knew that three fucking years after what happened, I still couldn't get over it and nobody even knew. That was later in the evening that I have cried the most. I remembered everything that happened on that Sunday, September 16th, 2007 and I poured my heart out on paper. I didn't feel good then. That was the time when I realized what I had lost. I was 13 when he died and I wasn't who I am now. I didn't know how to express my feelings (I still don't but well..) and I feel like I haven't done enough for him. I'm even afraid I haven't shown him that I cared about him. So I just keep writing about him everywhere on the Internet as a way to tell him that I miss him so much.