For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic.

You can't constantly whine. You can't always give up and think that somebody else will help you. No one will. We're selfish, we only think about our own happiness. What could make others happy doesn't matter as long as our own happiness isn't involved. You can't constantly act like an attention seeker just for people to notice you're alive. Trust me, people who make everything to be noticed are unbearable. Stop one moment and think about everything you want. Is it really impossible? What is stopping you? Nothing, no one is stopping you. You can't let anybody tell you what to do or how to feel. What your life is gonna be like is up to you and only you. It's okay to cry, we all do. But then, you have to use that pain, use that anger that's eating you alive. You have two choices: you either let it kill you or you can move your ass and do something about it. People won't always be there to tell you that you're loved, that you're worth it and that they believe in you. You have to start acting alone. Think about what you want. Only you can make a change. And you can make it now.
Sure it won't be easy but you have to fight for what you want. You failed? Try harder. Someone's telling you to shut up? Scream louder. Stand for what you believe in. No one is able to take it from you. People will always make you feel like shit and you know what? They may be right. As long as you don't believe in you, in your abilities, you will be a failure. Take a step, go further. Believe in what you are. Believe in the person you aim to be. Once you're able to do that, there will be no better version of you. Smile.

Stay seventeen.

So, the worst day of the year is officially over (but as this blog is at i-don't-know-where-in-the-usa time, I guess it will still post this on August, 12th). Yesterday was my birthday (and don't tweet me saying 'Sorry I'm late but happy birthday to you', it's useless). No, I don't really like it when it's my birthday, haven't for some years now. There are many reasons:
- I have to talk to people on the phone, which I hate.
- I have to talk about me, which I hate even more.
- People who know when my birthday is post a message on my Facebook and then random people I don't even talk to wish me a happy birthday as if they have always known when it was. It's useless seriously, either you know when it is and you send me a text message/email/tweet me or you shut up.
- People who I love and whom I expect to remember my birthday, don't.
- Usually I have to go out to have lunch/dinner with my whole family (have I already told you that the persons in my family are putting on their fake smiles and pretend not to bitch about each other even though that's all they do when they don't see each other?) and I can't leave earlier because well, I'm the most concerned about it. But I hate having to go out. My computer is cool.

So, I'm seventeen now. I like that number. It's the end of the teenager me and the beginning of the young adult me. It scares me a little bit but well, it's life. At least I won't have to deal with people who judge you by your age - which, by the way, is completely stupid. There are 21-year-olds who are worse than 13-year-olds. But it's still life... I sure do have regrets but I'm mostly proud of what I've done and what I've become. Not so long ago, I still had my mom's ideas and opinions instead of mine. Disagreeing with her is probably the best thing I've ever done in my life. And I feel sorry for my sisters who are just like her, narrow-minded persons. My life has been great so far. I've seen most of my favourite bands live (but still not THE band), I've fallen in love, which is the best feeling ever. I've also had my heart broken more than once but it was totally worth it. I've met some actors from the Harry Potter cast, I've had wonderful trips with really great friends, I've had the greatest giggles and above it all I've been able to learn a foreign language and I almost speak it fluently. I'm scared of the future because I have no idea what I want to do for a living. But I guess everything will be fine, it has always been.
I got my Pottermore email on my 17th birthday. I feel like Harry motherfuckin Potter, except that I'm not eleven anymore (gosh, I would love to be 11 again, just for one day). But now I'm allowed to do magic when I'm not at school :D (kay, who am I kidding?) So, this kinda brightened my day.

Hai dear readers!

I was astonished when some people told me that they read my blog. You have no idea how much this means to me. Ok, my life isn't really interesting and god knows that I'm only using this blog to whine. Actually I'm not whining, I'm just a pessimistic girl who barely believes in anything. This post is useless, ok, it was just to thank you for reading me. I will try to keep this blog updated but I have nothing to say. If you want my daily posts to be like 'Today I woke up at noon, had lunch at 3pm and was on the Internet for the rest of the day', then yeah, I can write everyday. But that'd become boring. I would love to write a one shot and share it with you but my inspiration has gone away a long time ago. I guess I'll just have to be at an all-time low to find the right words. Yeah, I cannot write interesting stuff when I'm not depressed. I don't really feel anything right now, I'm not really happy, not really sad. I'm just alive. And sometimes angry. But I fight my anger with music, not words. I don't know why I'm telling you this but if you're reading these words it means that the beginning of this post was interesting, wasn't it?
I've made a Flickr account not so long ago. I took these photos with my former camera and I'm kinda proud of some of these even though I know I'm not a professional! Click here to see my photos (thumbs up for my awesome username!) Just thought you should know.
I'm running a French website about Jack Barakat (yep sorry, it's just too much work to have an English version and I don't even know if English people know about this website!) I'm kinda proud of it :3 I try to update it everyday to give pieces of info to his French fans! Why am I talking about this? I don't know... But if you want to check it out, be sure to click here.
<3

40 things about me.

Soo, I saw this #40thingsaboutme thing on Twitter and I really wanted to do it (even though I don't have anything to say about myself). I figured that it would be better to do it here since I'm allowed to write more than 140 characters.

1- I always feel uncomfortable when I'm alone with someone. I always feel like I have to say something and since I am neither funny nor interesting, I'm scared to bore the person next to me.
2- I'd rather be alone than talk to somebody.
3- When somebody talks too much about someting (either a band or a serie), I'm getting sick of it.
4- I don't smoke. My grandpa's lung cancer is one of the reasons why.
5- There isn't one single day when I don't sing. Even though my voice is terrible, I always feel like singing, it makes me feel good.
6- My phone is useful when I'm at school or when I'm out and I want to join my parents. But most of the time I'm home so, I don't need it. I could easily live without it.
7- I don't know how to say 'no'. That's how I got into a relationship with a boy who has cheated on me in 2009.
8- If I had to describe society in one sentence, it would be that Simple Plan lyric: 'Sick of everyone around with their big fake smiles and stupid lies'.
9- Almost every song on my iPod reminds me of somebody. That's why I cannot listen to some songs anymore.
10- I have already met the male version of me. I have to admit that I'm not disappointed at all!
11- Right now, my main goal is to learn German and speak it fluently (at least to be as good at German as I am at English) in order to find a job related to foreign languages.
12- I quote Friends way too much.
13- I'm really good at remembering dates and useless stuff that everybody always forgets.
14- I have always had good grades, that's why I'm immediately classified as a nerd. Therefore people think I spend my evenings studying and they believe that I've never heard of sex before. Thus I don't have a lot of friends.
15- I'm always ashamed to share my ideas and show the things I like. I'd rather shut up than be laughed at.
16- I'm a virgin and it's not about to change. I don't see the point in sleeping with somebody just to say 'I've done it'.
17- I never ever start a conversation because I don't want to annoy anybody.
18- I'm very pessimistic but when I'm optimistic, I tend to expect way too much and I end up falling.
19- I have two older sisters who are 21 years old.
20- I have always loved frogs without even knowing why.
21- I don't want to get married since I think that nothing is built to last. But I'd really love to wear a wedding dress. That would be the only reason why I'd get married.
22- I don't want to have kids because you have to trust them and that's something I cannot do, especially when I see how many times my friends are lying to their parents.
23- I tend to have a crush on any guys who play the guitar and listen to the same bands as me.
24- Everytime I go to Disneyland or Europa Park, I'm like a 6-year-old kid whom no one can stop.
25- It is really easy to piss me off.
26- I am a grammar nazi (when it concerns the French language at least).
27- I want to play the bass.
28- The number 4 has an important meaning to me.
29- I could read all day long and that wouldn't even bore me. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie.
30- I find it sexy when somebody talks with a British accent.
31- I used to be ashamed of my country (well, I still kinda am since they refuse to let gay people get married) but when I see somebody say all those nice things about France it makes me proud.
32- I always want every little detail to be perfect and that drives my friends crazy.
33- Lame jokes make me laugh even more than real funny jokes.
34- The proudest moment of my life is when I told that fake friend of mine what I think of her. I will never forget how angry I was that day but it was a relief.
35- I used to play the piano but I'm a lazy ass who's become a geek and has forgotten about it.
36- Ever since my first year in high school I've changed in a bad way. I always want to be alone and I don't know how to keep in touch with my few friends.
37- I eat out of boredom.
38- I am really nice (despite all the things I've said - my loneliness and everything) if you don't judge me as soon as you see me.
39- I'd love to have a tattoo that says 'broken dreams' or something like that, one or two words in English which actually mean something to me. But I know I'll never get one.
40- There are a lot of important things that I haven't said and that I'll probably keep for myself.

"It's official, the apocalypse is here. It all started with MJ's death." A Panic! fan on July 6th, 2009

(here is their best song live according to me)

When I was 14, my music teacher told me that, if I wanted to, I could come in front of the class and talk about my favourite band. This idea was great but I didn't love a band that much then. Sure I liked some Green Day songs, some Muse songs and some Linkin Park songs. But there was no band which had caught my full attention. One month later, after hearing the name of that band, I decided to listen to Panic! At the Disco. I have first watched their music video for I Write Sins, Not Tragedies. I had no word to describe that band. I had never heard such a sound before, it was odd but really attractive (do we say that for a song?). Then, I listened to the full album, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. All the songs were geniusly written and sung. I can't even describe the feeling I had when I first listened to those songs. I wasn't disappointed at all. It was new and I liked it. I then listened to their second album and recognized the song that was often on the radio in 2008, Nine In The Afternoon (for the record, everytime I heard that song on the radio, I thought they were saying 'you could cause you can so Youtube' instead of 'you could cause you can so you do'). The second album was great but it was more optimistic than the first one, that's why I like A Fever You Can't Sweat Out better (yes, I am a negative person). I was quickly addicted to that band without even knowing what was happening. Everytime somebody talked about them, I smiled and jumped everywhere. Everytime I heard their songs, I felt better. I perfectly knew that they were slowly becoming my favourite band.
A few months later, in July, I was at my best friend's. When I came home on July 7th, I went on Twitter and saw a picture uploaded by Pete Wentz. I was bored so I read the comments "OMG Ryan and Jon are such douchebags, why are they leaving the band?" My reaction? "Ryan and Jon, leaving the band? NO WAAY! They wouldn't." I had to go to their official website to believe the news. My favourite band broke up on July 6th and there was nothing I could do.
They still remain my favourite band and despite the fact that I'm sad that Ryan and Jon are gone (Ryan being the former leader of the band and the author of most of the songs, it is harder to see the band without him/her - yeah sorry, I had to make that lame joke about Ryan Ross' sexuality), I'm glad Brendon and Spencer go on with Ian and Dallon. They are great musicians and there sure is a better atmosphere than there was at the end of THE Panic! At the Disco.

July 6th, 2009 - July 6th 2011. It's already been two years and it feels like it was only yesterday.

You've taken so much with you but left the worst with me.

My grandfather was the greatest person on earth. He was the only man who brought me flowers for no particular reason. He took care of me when I was sick. He was always smiling, singing and he always made everybody laugh. Everybody loved him because there was no reason to hate such a great man. He took care of his family and the persons he loved. He wasn't fake, he didn't hate anybody because of their opinion or their way of living. He truly was an example to follow.
See the video I chose there? The singer of this band lost his brother when he was young because the latter drank himself to death. The song he is singing? It is dedicated to him. When you see him act like this, you wouldn't say that he seems sad. That brings me to my point. On September 16th, 2007 my grandfather passed away because of a lung cancer. When I was told that, I didn't say anything. Nothing really happened. It seemed as though my dad told me he had just eaten an apple. Same effect: none. What I was feeling inside? I don't quite remember, but I know I felt guilty. Why wasn't I crying? One of the persons I have loved the most came to die and I was litteraly like a rock. Tears were nowhere to be found. So, I forced myself to cry and that worked a little. I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. One, two, three weeks after his death, my reaction when somebody talked about him was the same as the singer's in the video. I was laughing, telling everybody that I was alright, it seemed as though I didn't even care. I felt heartless. I don't say that my situation is the same as the singer's but while watching this video I found some similarities. I guess that I've been able to hide my feelings for so long that I couldn't show my tears to my family. I just couldn't. I did cry, yeah, I did feel sad but nobody knew it. I was always Morgane, "the geek who only lives for her laptop and her iPod and doesn't even care about her family". That was on the outside yeah. I sometimes cried while listening to Christina Aguilera's Hurt but I didn't see myself explain to my family that, months after his death, I was still crying, I was still sad and really hurt. It just didn't make sense. Every year, on September 16th, my mum was like "Hey, we're going to the graveyard because grandpa died on September 16th". She always said that to remind me that everybody saw me as "the bitch who doesn't care and doesn't even know the day when her grandfather died". And I understand, I would have taken me for a "bitch who doesn't care" as well if I weren't me. This year, my French teacher told us something that really hit me. It was something that went like "There are some persons who are so hurt on the inside that nothing is shown on the outside. I know it's hard to believe, but some people can't stand the pain and nobody even knows it. Does anybody know someone like that?" At that moment, I was about to burst into tears. Yes, I knew someone like that. I knew that three fucking years after what happened, I still couldn't get over it and nobody even knew. That was later in the evening that I have cried the most. I remembered everything that happened on that Sunday, September 16th, 2007 and I poured my heart out on paper. I didn't feel good then. That was the time when I realized what I had lost. I was 13 when he died and I wasn't who I am now. I didn't know how to express my feelings (I still don't but well..) and I feel like I haven't done enough for him. I'm even afraid I haven't shown him that I cared about him. So I just keep writing about him everywhere on the Internet as a way to tell him that I miss him so much.

To whoever has ever fallen in love with someone who didn't feel the same way.

" Trop de bruit pour trop de nuits qui pensent quand valse l'absence dans ce bal. Ton silence est un cri qui fait mal. Je devine ton visage sur les ombres. Les souvenirs sombres m'assassinent.
Je dors sur des roses qui signent ma croix. La douleur s'impose mais je n'ose pas manquer de toi dans mes nuits, dans la pluie, dans les rires, dans le pire de ma vie.
Trop de bruit pour mon esprit qui tangue sur mes rêves exsangues, drôle danse. La mémoire est un puits de souffrance. Au dessus de ton corps défendu, mon amour pendu se balance.
Je dors sur des roses qui signent ma croix. La douleur s'impose mais je n'ose pas effleurer les choses écloses sans toi. Oh ma rose, ne fane pas. Je manque de toi dans mes nuits, dans la pluie, dans les rires, dans le pire de ma vie.
Je hais les roses autant que mes sanglots. La vie s'impose, je crois à nouveau à mes rêves défunts. Je veux enfin oser la fièvre du parfum des roses. "