40 things about me.

Soo, I saw this #40thingsaboutme thing on Twitter and I really wanted to do it (even though I don't have anything to say about myself). I figured that it would be better to do it here since I'm allowed to write more than 140 characters.

1- I always feel uncomfortable when I'm alone with someone. I always feel like I have to say something and since I am neither funny nor interesting, I'm scared to bore the person next to me.
2- I'd rather be alone than talk to somebody.
3- When somebody talks too much about someting (either a band or a serie), I'm getting sick of it.
4- I don't smoke. My grandpa's lung cancer is one of the reasons why.
5- There isn't one single day when I don't sing. Even though my voice is terrible, I always feel like singing, it makes me feel good.
6- My phone is useful when I'm at school or when I'm out and I want to join my parents. But most of the time I'm home so, I don't need it. I could easily live without it.
7- I don't know how to say 'no'. That's how I got into a relationship with a boy who has cheated on me in 2009.
8- If I had to describe society in one sentence, it would be that Simple Plan lyric: 'Sick of everyone around with their big fake smiles and stupid lies'.
9- Almost every song on my iPod reminds me of somebody. That's why I cannot listen to some songs anymore.
10- I have already met the male version of me. I have to admit that I'm not disappointed at all!
11- Right now, my main goal is to learn German and speak it fluently (at least to be as good at German as I am at English) in order to find a job related to foreign languages.
12- I quote Friends way too much.
13- I'm really good at remembering dates and useless stuff that everybody always forgets.
14- I have always had good grades, that's why I'm immediately classified as a nerd. Therefore people think I spend my evenings studying and they believe that I've never heard of sex before. Thus I don't have a lot of friends.
15- I'm always ashamed to share my ideas and show the things I like. I'd rather shut up than be laughed at.
16- I'm a virgin and it's not about to change. I don't see the point in sleeping with somebody just to say 'I've done it'.
17- I never ever start a conversation because I don't want to annoy anybody.
18- I'm very pessimistic but when I'm optimistic, I tend to expect way too much and I end up falling.
19- I have two older sisters who are 21 years old.
20- I have always loved frogs without even knowing why.
21- I don't want to get married since I think that nothing is built to last. But I'd really love to wear a wedding dress. That would be the only reason why I'd get married.
22- I don't want to have kids because you have to trust them and that's something I cannot do, especially when I see how many times my friends are lying to their parents.
23- I tend to have a crush on any guys who play the guitar and listen to the same bands as me.
24- Everytime I go to Disneyland or Europa Park, I'm like a 6-year-old kid whom no one can stop.
25- It is really easy to piss me off.
26- I am a grammar nazi (when it concerns the French language at least).
27- I want to play the bass.
28- The number 4 has an important meaning to me.
29- I could read all day long and that wouldn't even bore me. I'd rather read a book than watch a movie.
30- I find it sexy when somebody talks with a British accent.
31- I used to be ashamed of my country (well, I still kinda am since they refuse to let gay people get married) but when I see somebody say all those nice things about France it makes me proud.
32- I always want every little detail to be perfect and that drives my friends crazy.
33- Lame jokes make me laugh even more than real funny jokes.
34- The proudest moment of my life is when I told that fake friend of mine what I think of her. I will never forget how angry I was that day but it was a relief.
35- I used to play the piano but I'm a lazy ass who's become a geek and has forgotten about it.
36- Ever since my first year in high school I've changed in a bad way. I always want to be alone and I don't know how to keep in touch with my few friends.
37- I eat out of boredom.
38- I am really nice (despite all the things I've said - my loneliness and everything) if you don't judge me as soon as you see me.
39- I'd love to have a tattoo that says 'broken dreams' or something like that, one or two words in English which actually mean something to me. But I know I'll never get one.
40- There are a lot of important things that I haven't said and that I'll probably keep for myself.

"It's official, the apocalypse is here. It all started with MJ's death." A Panic! fan on July 6th, 2009

(here is their best song live according to me)

When I was 14, my music teacher told me that, if I wanted to, I could come in front of the class and talk about my favourite band. This idea was great but I didn't love a band that much then. Sure I liked some Green Day songs, some Muse songs and some Linkin Park songs. But there was no band which had caught my full attention. One month later, after hearing the name of that band, I decided to listen to Panic! At the Disco. I have first watched their music video for I Write Sins, Not Tragedies. I had no word to describe that band. I had never heard such a sound before, it was odd but really attractive (do we say that for a song?). Then, I listened to the full album, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. All the songs were geniusly written and sung. I can't even describe the feeling I had when I first listened to those songs. I wasn't disappointed at all. It was new and I liked it. I then listened to their second album and recognized the song that was often on the radio in 2008, Nine In The Afternoon (for the record, everytime I heard that song on the radio, I thought they were saying 'you could cause you can so Youtube' instead of 'you could cause you can so you do'). The second album was great but it was more optimistic than the first one, that's why I like A Fever You Can't Sweat Out better (yes, I am a negative person). I was quickly addicted to that band without even knowing what was happening. Everytime somebody talked about them, I smiled and jumped everywhere. Everytime I heard their songs, I felt better. I perfectly knew that they were slowly becoming my favourite band.
A few months later, in July, I was at my best friend's. When I came home on July 7th, I went on Twitter and saw a picture uploaded by Pete Wentz. I was bored so I read the comments "OMG Ryan and Jon are such douchebags, why are they leaving the band?" My reaction? "Ryan and Jon, leaving the band? NO WAAY! They wouldn't." I had to go to their official website to believe the news. My favourite band broke up on July 6th and there was nothing I could do.
They still remain my favourite band and despite the fact that I'm sad that Ryan and Jon are gone (Ryan being the former leader of the band and the author of most of the songs, it is harder to see the band without him/her - yeah sorry, I had to make that lame joke about Ryan Ross' sexuality), I'm glad Brendon and Spencer go on with Ian and Dallon. They are great musicians and there sure is a better atmosphere than there was at the end of THE Panic! At the Disco.

July 6th, 2009 - July 6th 2011. It's already been two years and it feels like it was only yesterday.

You've taken so much with you but left the worst with me.

My grandfather was the greatest person on earth. He was the only man who brought me flowers for no particular reason. He took care of me when I was sick. He was always smiling, singing and he always made everybody laugh. Everybody loved him because there was no reason to hate such a great man. He took care of his family and the persons he loved. He wasn't fake, he didn't hate anybody because of their opinion or their way of living. He truly was an example to follow.
See the video I chose there? The singer of this band lost his brother when he was young because the latter drank himself to death. The song he is singing? It is dedicated to him. When you see him act like this, you wouldn't say that he seems sad. That brings me to my point. On September 16th, 2007 my grandfather passed away because of a lung cancer. When I was told that, I didn't say anything. Nothing really happened. It seemed as though my dad told me he had just eaten an apple. Same effect: none. What I was feeling inside? I don't quite remember, but I know I felt guilty. Why wasn't I crying? One of the persons I have loved the most came to die and I was litteraly like a rock. Tears were nowhere to be found. So, I forced myself to cry and that worked a little. I didn't understand why I was feeling like this. One, two, three weeks after his death, my reaction when somebody talked about him was the same as the singer's in the video. I was laughing, telling everybody that I was alright, it seemed as though I didn't even care. I felt heartless. I don't say that my situation is the same as the singer's but while watching this video I found some similarities. I guess that I've been able to hide my feelings for so long that I couldn't show my tears to my family. I just couldn't. I did cry, yeah, I did feel sad but nobody knew it. I was always Morgane, "the geek who only lives for her laptop and her iPod and doesn't even care about her family". That was on the outside yeah. I sometimes cried while listening to Christina Aguilera's Hurt but I didn't see myself explain to my family that, months after his death, I was still crying, I was still sad and really hurt. It just didn't make sense. Every year, on September 16th, my mum was like "Hey, we're going to the graveyard because grandpa died on September 16th". She always said that to remind me that everybody saw me as "the bitch who doesn't care and doesn't even know the day when her grandfather died". And I understand, I would have taken me for a "bitch who doesn't care" as well if I weren't me. This year, my French teacher told us something that really hit me. It was something that went like "There are some persons who are so hurt on the inside that nothing is shown on the outside. I know it's hard to believe, but some people can't stand the pain and nobody even knows it. Does anybody know someone like that?" At that moment, I was about to burst into tears. Yes, I knew someone like that. I knew that three fucking years after what happened, I still couldn't get over it and nobody even knew. That was later in the evening that I have cried the most. I remembered everything that happened on that Sunday, September 16th, 2007 and I poured my heart out on paper. I didn't feel good then. That was the time when I realized what I had lost. I was 13 when he died and I wasn't who I am now. I didn't know how to express my feelings (I still don't but well..) and I feel like I haven't done enough for him. I'm even afraid I haven't shown him that I cared about him. So I just keep writing about him everywhere on the Internet as a way to tell him that I miss him so much.

To whoever has ever fallen in love with someone who didn't feel the same way.

" Trop de bruit pour trop de nuits qui pensent quand valse l'absence dans ce bal. Ton silence est un cri qui fait mal. Je devine ton visage sur les ombres. Les souvenirs sombres m'assassinent.
Je dors sur des roses qui signent ma croix. La douleur s'impose mais je n'ose pas manquer de toi dans mes nuits, dans la pluie, dans les rires, dans le pire de ma vie.
Trop de bruit pour mon esprit qui tangue sur mes rêves exsangues, drôle danse. La mémoire est un puits de souffrance. Au dessus de ton corps défendu, mon amour pendu se balance.
Je dors sur des roses qui signent ma croix. La douleur s'impose mais je n'ose pas effleurer les choses écloses sans toi. Oh ma rose, ne fane pas. Je manque de toi dans mes nuits, dans la pluie, dans les rires, dans le pire de ma vie.
Je hais les roses autant que mes sanglots. La vie s'impose, je crois à nouveau à mes rêves défunts. Je veux enfin oser la fièvre du parfum des roses. "