Christmas is coming soon, which means my family is going to be reunited. While I'm glad I still have a family and have nothing to complain about, I hate the way they treat each other. It starts within my family. My mom is sick and tired as fuck when she comes home every night and she cooks dinner for all of us. Instead of being happy she made the effort to feed us, my dad often complains about the food. It just bums me out so much that someone trying to be nice gets so much hate. Same for my grandma: she was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's along with her diabetes. She spends her life complaining about the pain and is convinced that no one can suffer as much as she does. It's unbearable once you hear it for 30 minutes twice a day, sure. But she's 78 and lost her husband five years ago and her son died when he was 20. She's a lonely woman and if complaining is what makes her 'happy', then let her do it. On a larger scale, the members of my family can't stand each other and they spend their time criticizing each other and once they see each other, they're like best buds.

What bothers me here is people stopping other people from being happy only because what makes others happy doesn't make themselves happy. Life is full of compromises. Sure, you gotta be selfish, but it doesn't have to mean that you're gonna spit on other people's happiness. I know I tend to be too nice but that's only because I see how gleeful it makes other people. I've always tried to make my parents proud, not because "I'm the perfect child" but because they deserve to see that they've done a good job. I've always gotten excellent grades and worked twice harder when my grades weren't that high. I was unhappy for a long time, I had no friends as I was 'the nerd' but I hid that from them. Having an unhappy child is something I'd wish to nobody. I'd rather spend my life trying to make everyone feel better than be happy on my own. It doesn't mean I won't enjoy things that only matter to me. I just know how frustrating it is to be nice and get nothing in return. I don't wish that on anybody. Life is short and in a blink of an eye, the loved ones are gone. I'm not saying you have to tell them you love them because it's something I'm incapable of doing. I'm just saying that people should really, really enjoy the time spent with the people they care about before it's too late. Be happy but take some time to make others happy as well. Your caring about people will help more than you will ever know.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.

If I could go back in time and tell my 14-year-old self what she has become, I would have made her so proud.

I'm no longer the person I used to be. Little Morgane was losing faith in people as she grew up. How could she trust somebody when all everybody did was betray her? I cried myself to sleep every single night. I let the bad stuff take over my life. I let the thoughts of killing myself haunt me every time I crossed a street. Every time I was taking medicine. Every time I had a knife in my hand. It wasn't pleasant to hang out with me or to be a family member of mine at that time. I was living in the past, regretting not being a part of it anymore. I blamed my problems on the world. I thought I was better than these people because all they did was smile and be happy. How could they? I knew what life was like, I knew my breath wasn't worth taking. The crisis, the people getting worse and worse, the hypocrites, my so-called friends. Everything let me believe that I had a perfect right to be a pessimist who never smiled. Boys broke my heart. Friends broke my heart. I broke a lot of hearts too. It was all because of life. And then, I struggled to cope with it. I wanted to be anyone but myself. How stupid.

I will never thank music enough for letting me become who I am today. Music was the reason why I got sick of people around me. It is now the reason why I am glad to be alive. Sure, we all have our problems and it sucks, but I never forget that someone somewhere is going through much more pain than I am. I try to focus on the good things in my life. Instead of wishing I lived in the past, I am thankful for having that kind of memories to remember. That, I wouldn't trade for the world. This is my life that goes through my head so many times at night and it's that life that I've had the chance to live. I know suicide is useless because I am positive that there are going to be so many moments I sure as hell don't want to miss.

It bums me out so much that I cannot help people who are like I used to be. People can't be convinced by words. That speech is useless to everyone but me. Letting yourself be happy isn't an easy thing to do. I think it has taken me around ten years to figure out where to find it. It wasn't that far away. Everyone is happy. Being home with your family, hanging out with your friends, learning something new, eating, getting to hug someone, hearing somebody call your name, that's happiness! It is there, every day. It's not easy to see because there are so many problems which come along. But if darkness didn't exist, would we be able to see the light? I am thankful for the bad times because they make the good times so much more enjoyable and worth the pain.

I like you just the way you aren't and you like me just the way I'm not.

Communication isn't easy. You always expect people to react as you would. You always expect people to follow the conversation you were having in your own head. You always expect. This is the main problem. When people are different than you, and believe me - they are, you blame them for it. What did you expect? Did you really and sincerely think that everyone is like you? That everyone has the same fears, the same passions, the same dreams? We're all chasing something else. We're all leading our life the way we want to.

Expectations can break relationships, they can ruin them. When someone we love doesn't give us what we expected them to, we end up disappointed. But why blame them? You're the only one who was imagining things. Don't hold them responsible for what they haven't even caused. Stop expecting. Start appreciating people for who they are, not who you want them to be.

We are silly to actually think that our opinion matters. Everything we say only matters to us. Have you ever listened to a conversation between two people? The two of them never listen to each other, they just wait for the moment when the other will shut up to say something about themselves. How many wasted conversations have people had in this world? Way too many. And when you listen to a debate, do they reach an agreement? No, everyone just keeps their point of view and the debate was useless. Listening to the others can only influence you and it's usually a bad influence.
This is why I'm telling you goodbye, my friends. My thoughts have been shared on this blog but I don't think they matter to anyone but me. So, I might as well start to write for myself. And this makes me happy.

But I'm still here.

To all these lives that need to be saved.

To all these sick people who need to be reassured.

To all these souls that didn't ask for it.

To all these families who have been through the pain.

To all these people who have to fight without complaining.

To all these lives that have already been taken.

"T'as une serviette ?" - "Non, généralement je prends ma douche chez moi"

A few days ago, I read something I had written when I was younger. While reading those words, I thought 'Oh man, I had completely forgotten about that!' What a shame! That's when I decided that I need to write about every little emotion, every memory that is worth being remembered.

During the whole year, there is one day I didn't want to miss and it happened today. In 100 days exactly, we will take our final exams and then we'll leave high school forever. So, as the tradition has it, we had to get well-dressed, which is something I love even though I can't leave my Green Day shirts and my skinny jeans. I had to shave my eyebrows and my legs but it was all worth it! Today for the first time, I've been told that I am beautiful. That's something amazing. You don't even know how to answer this. I have also told every guy I met how gorgeous he looks in his clothes. So, today was a very productive day - we didn't do anything, pretty much.

The two girls you see next to me up there are the only two friends I had when I arrived at this school. They've always been there through the happiest and hardest times and I know that I have never thanked them enough for that. I know that the first year here has been a struggle, a real one. The second year was better and it changed my pessimistic self into a better person. This third year has been alright. I truly feel loved here. And yeah, I'm gonna miss this place. It's something I've only been realising this year and it bums me out that it took so much time. I'm still the same person I used to be when I arrived here. I still love and hate the same things and I have not turned into a bitch but I've learnt how to appreciate the little things and how to smile.

Random thoughts

I really need to stop being lazy and write new stuff in here because I really have a lot to say. So I decided I'll just post some random thoughts, nothing really important though.

• I'm looking forward to Tuesday because we'll all be well-dressed at school and it will be fun!
• I'm happy with the persons I surround myself with. I don't say it enough but I have some wonderful people in my life.
• It breaks my heart when someone gives a gift to somebody else and that person doesn't like it.
• I need to spend more time on Photoshop.
• People really need to stop complaining all the time. They do.
• I want to dye my hair.
• I wouldn't mind dating a girl.
• Who's throwing a Halloween party this year? Count me in!
• Every time I feel hurt, I'm thinking "Hey, it can only be a good thing. Someday you'll stop feeling like this and you'll remember what you've been through and you'll know that the pain was worth it. You have to learn from the past."
• I want a Chandler Bing in my life.
• I don't even know why I've written this post.

You were crying your eyes out, praying for something you knew was impossible. God didn't know you, you have never had faith, yet you were asking for help. Such a selfish little girl, you envied those who had what you hadn't. What you didn't notice behind those giant tears was this other girl. She didn't say anything, she kept laughing. Yet, she wanted to have everything you owned. You spent your life thinking of yourself, praying when you needed a miracle then let God down. You couldn't even notice how desperate she was, how fake her smile was. Everything you wanted, you were able to get it within a few days. She couldn't. A happy family she never had. A father she would never see again. Broken, that's all she was. And you, with your meaningless issues, were the one people comforted.

When the moon fell in love with the sun all was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night.
When the sun found the moon she was drinking tea in the garden under the green umbrella trees in the middle of summer. When the moon found the sun he looked like he was barely hanging on but her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer. So he said "Would it be all right if we just sat and talked for a little while if in exchange for your time I give you this smile?" So she said "That's okay as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart or leave me all alone in the summer". Well, he was just hanging around, then he fell in love and he didn't know how but he couldn't get out.

- Panic! At the Disco

I have two sisters who are twins. While growing up, it was always the two of them together and I was alone. Sure I had a cousin but we always got along for two hours and then she would throw a tantrum for whatever reason. My siblings made rules I wasn't allowed to break. So, I was always forced to be alone and play all by myself. I talked to myself out loud while watching them have a lot of fun on their own. I had way too many imaginary friends. At school, every time I was close to someone, they would move out the year after. I remember being alone in the school yard from the age of 3 to the age of 6 as everyone already had friends and I didn't want to disturb them. After that, I shared some passions with my sisters and we talked to each other but those were always short discussions. I am always surprised - even nowadays - to see the relationship some people have with their siblings: they hug them, they talk to them, they share some secrets and when they feel down, their siblings are always there to make them feel better. Mine aren't. They just sit there and ignore me while I cry. Trust me, I have tried to be closer to them but they always found ways to push me away. I had a penfriend. Well yeah, I had to kill the time. She was older than me, our relationship was great and getting her letters was always the highlight of my day. When I wasn't writing, I enjoyed doing my homework and I could even do my sisters'. I was a nerd. One of my teachers even asked me if I wanted to skip a year. No one likes a nerd. And as you know, people judge a book by its cover. I was always alone as I didn't like the same things as the other girls. I believe that being alone led me to think a lot about my life and I grew up way faster than the others. I'm not trying to brag here since growing up isn't something that's joyful. At the age of 10, I expected a lot from junior high school: freedom, open-minded people and new faces. However, I found myself crying the day before going to this new school. Indeed, it was the first time that I would be far from home for more than 4 hours and it scared me. The first day at junior high school was great, actually. I knew some people and I found it quite easy to talk to my new classmates. That evening, I was crying again and it was the last time that I allowed myself to weep in front of my family. Why was I crying? I guess that I already knew the answer: I would end up being alone as soon as they would find out that I'm good at everything. I was hanging out with my mother's colleague's daughter who didn't talk much, a young girl who wore glasses and looked like a nerd - she didn't talk much either, a girl who looked like a singer and a blonde-haired girl who was already dating a guy. I was also talking to almost every girl in my class (well, we were only 10) except those two tall girls who had already big boobs and didn't look their age. They had already found out that I was a nerd and didn't need more to classify me as a non-interesting person. It seemed like the blonde girl thought of herself as the centre of the world and the singer look-alike was at her feet. I knew these two were already talking behind my back. I was often crying but I couldn't find the strength to face my mother and tell her that I didn't have any friends and that they were mean to me. At some point, I felt like I belong, I did. There were ups and downs - mostly downs - but I held on thanks to music and the friends I had made on the Internet. The year after was a little bit better. The two tall girls changed their mind about my case after seeing how funny I was (well, that's what they said!). This year, I was happier. Everything was better. The first months of 2007 were the best of my life, I have no doubt about that. I was no longer with the blonde girl, the singer look-alike, the shy nerd and my mum's colleague's daughter since I knew two of them were taking advantage of me. I was now hanging out with one of the tall girls, the brown-haired one. She was so funny and we had such a good time together. She invited all the girls to her birthday party, it was such a cool evening! A few days after, we went on a trip with school. And as I write that, there are tears in my eyes. It was honestly the best thing that has ever happened in my life. It was just plain perfect. I was really close to the guy I was in love with. I wasn't homesick for the first time in my life. When the summer holidays came, none of us wanted to leave school. We were like a huge family. They were everything to me! Summer 2007 was the worst of my life. The musical that gave me so much hope ended. My grandfather had lost his beautiful voice, he couldn't sing anymore. He was so sick that he had to stay in bed all day long. It wasn't a life. I knew he would die soon. I didn't talk to anyone about that. I have never talked about my feelings. September 2007: back to school. I decided to join the drama club. Our first homework was to write an essay about a French dramatist. I was with the brown-haired girl and a blonde girl who was in the same bus as me. This is the one homework that I will always remember since it prevented me from visiting my grandfather at the hospital. When I left the girl's house, I was told that he passed away. The day after, people saw that I wasn't feeling well, they knew what happened but they weren't there for me. I felt more alone than ever. The bus girl was hanging out with the brown-haired girl and they also started to stab me in the back. It hurt. There again, I cried a lot and no one even knew about that. By the end of 2007, the boy I was in love with was told by some guy that I was into him and he became my boyfriend. We didn't kiss though. It was a way for him to say that he had a girlfriend and that was it. The day before the Christmas holidays, he finally kissed me and I felt so happy. When we went back to school, I was told that he had kissed another girl and didn't want to hear about me anymore. It hurt so much. I was kind of cheated on and even though it didn't involve anything sexual, it was still a betrayal. I was more and more by myself. Again, I didn't have the same passion as everyone else. They were all making these sex jokes - uhhh, 13-year-olds are annoying - and were despising those who didn't talk about sex. I was despised. My last year at that school was terrible. The brown-haired girl, who had become my best friend, didn't pay attention to me at all. The boy I was in love with, still the 'cheater', went out with me again. I still don't know how I let this happen but well, I had loved him for three years and I was basically at his feet. It was different. At the beginning, he was still that stupid son of a bitch but then he changed. He became sweeter. I still remember the way he smelt, this will forever be my favourite taste. But then a guy came and I was troubled. I began to have feelings for him. I felt guilty. I was a bitch. But you can't decide who you fall in love with, right? I had to end things up with my boyfriend, that guy I had loved for three long years, just because I had feelings for this new guy. Stupid feelings. A few months later, I was hanging out with that guy who had to repeat a year. He was so dumb, listened to crappy music (aka rap) and thought of a woman as an inferior human being who had to stay in the kitchen. Despite these facts, he was funny. I told my guy best friend that I wouldn't mind going out with him. I was not in love with him, not at all. But he was the kind of guy who played with girls' feelings and I knew he wouldn't mind that I wasn't in love with him. He became my second boyfriend. It was great and he was a good kisser (gosh, I hope he never reads that). A few weeks later, I found out that he was cheating on me. It did hurt, even though I wasn't in love with him. After this second betrayal, I couldn't trust anyone. My classmates were talking behind my back, guys made a fool of me. I was so insecure, I needed people's attention. I did ask for it. 'No one loves me'. All I got was 'Shut the fuck up, we care about you'. They did. I just didn't see it. Leaving them at the end of the school year broke my heart. High school was waiting for me. I was excited. Apparently, friends we make in high school will forever stay in our life. The first two days at that new school were horrible. I literally spent these days talking to no one. I had spent 4 years with the same people, I didn't know how to introduce myself to new people without looking like a complete weirdo. There were already groups of people. It was so hard for me to fit in. I didn't. I still haven't. It was at that moment that I realised that junior high school was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and that I was dumb to think that they all hated me. I ended up talking to two girls but there was still this need to fit in. My guy best friend and the singer look-alike were in the same school as me. They went out together. I was alone, again. I then decided that I would stay alone, just like I have always been. It was just fine. I became pessimistic. I got along with that guy who was one of my best friend's classmates. He had a girlfriend, was listening to the same bands as me and he was funny. I hate to admit that, but I fell in love with him. And yeah, let's throw the 'bitch, be interested in single guys instead of stealing our boyfriends!' at me. I'm not like that. I know betrayal. I was just watching from a safe place. Everybody understood that I had feelings for him, it was obvious! Despite that fact, the singer look-alike thought that I was into HER boyfriend, aka my best friend. I wasn't. She told everyone I was a whore. My classmates only talked to me when they needed to copy my homework. It disgusted me. In February, I found out that the guy I was in love with had broken up with his girlfriend because she had cheated on him. I wasn't happy for myself, I didn't think 'Great! He's single again!'. I felt concerned. I was actually devastated for him. I knew betrayal. We talked all day long and then he added me on msn. My heart was beating faster than ever. He made all these allusions about me and him getting together. I wanted to. But he was the boy. He told me 'I'm too shy to ask a girl out, I know guys are supposed to make the first step but I'm just too afraid of her answer'. I knew it was going to be hard. In my head, I was already dating him, sleeping with him and marrying him. He told me sweet things such as 'you're pretty, smart, you have got everything for you so stop thinking you're not worth anyone's attention'. I believed him. I was addicted to my phone (it was a first) and every single text message I got from him made me smile like an idiot. I was hopeful about me and him. On March 4th (it was a Thursday), I kissed him. And then he kissed me again. Everything was rainbows and butterflies, literally. I couldn't even focus on the lessons I had, all I had in mind was him. He wanted to have lunch with me but I had already promised one of my friends I would eat with her. It broke my heart because all I wanted was to be with him. But my friends always come first. Always. The day after, we didn't kiss. He didn't even talk to me. I knew it was over. I just didn't understand what these two weeks had meant to him and why he made them happen if he didn't want to date me. He went back with his girlfriend a few days after. I was a mess. I had never been that hurt before. I don't ever want to relive the months that followed this heartbreak. I didn't want to let people in. I sure as hell did not want to tell my feelings ever again. Being alone was just fine. If my friends had other friends, then I would avoid seeing them. Why would they want to hang out with me if they had such awesome other friends? It was nonsense. I didn't want to be close to anyone. There was just way too much to lose. I was just way too boring. I was a nerd. I was a loner. A few months later, a guy talked to me on msn. He was one of my junior high school friends. He is the funniest person I know. We exchanged our phone numbers and we spent our days talking to each other. I fell for him. On July 4th, he told me he loved me. It was on a Sunday. I was also in love with him, obviously. Everything was just fine. When I got back to school, my classmates told me that they had never seen me this happy before. Yes, he made me happy. He still does. The thing is, I have been busy at school and I'm not used to being around people. So, I've been neglecting this relationship quite a bit because of my loneliness. This is my main flaw. I was made fun of so many times. People talked to me out of pity way too many times. Now I'm just this cold girl who doesn't show anything. Everyone thinks that I'm heartless. I may be. Society made me that way. And I would like to apologize for being so cold and not letting anyone in. I just don't see why people talk to me. I just think they would be happier with other persons. I'm not interesting. I have never been. This is the story of my life. A lonely girl who is losing all her friends because she can't fucking express her feelings.